RAZOR, April, 2005
Anna reveals what really drives the ladies crazy (and not) in the bedroom
By Anna David
When it comes to communication between the sexes, most of us are at a loss. We women can read all the self-help books we want, name all the various planets we think you’re from, and determine just how “not into us” you are, but in doing so we’re ignoring one essential truth: you men are just as perplexed by us as we are by you. And the bedroom can sometimes be the epicenter of such confusion.
It all boils down to the fact that we’ll talk to our mothers, therapists, manicurists, and Starbucks pushers– in short, anyone — about what really turns us on and off before we’ll reveal it to you. Sure, I can tell a guy where to go and what to do – to a point. Certain topics make me squeamish, while others veer dangerously close to revealing the fact that I’m not the Major Sex Goddess I’d like you to believe I am. And some things are just too damn embarrassing to discuss between the sheets.
So I’ve taken it upon myself – with some help from my friends CJ, Leslie and Heather – to diminish the gap in communication between the sexes by revealing some of those sexual secrets we’re least likely to discuss with you. Just don’t assume that listening in on our conversation is an invitation to bring such issues up with the ladies in your life; if you haven’t figured it out by now, the only universal truth about all women is that we’re maddeningly, pathologically unpredictable. Isn’t that’s why we captivate and frustrate you so?
This seemingly erratic behavior definitely rings true in the anal department. You know you’ve tried to convince us to try it in the name of fun or sexual experimentation, and you’ve probably received mixed reaction, ranging from a raised eyebrow to an “I’ll try anything once” smirk. Now, as someone who’s so uncomfortable with certain bodily functions that I’d basically rather have a man think of me as a raging psychopath than as a creature that eliminates waste on a regular basis, I’m not exactly in the anal sex “target audience.” When it comes to sex, I’d essentially like to ignore the fact that we each have body parts capable of emitting scents horrific enough to blind a cat. Most of the men I’ve been with have seemingly been aware enough of my issues – perhaps my horror at the sight of those magazines stacked next to their toilet wasn’t so subtle – to never broach the subject.
That doesn’t mean that my backside is entirely innocent, however. The odd finger or tongue has found its way there over the years – and no one has been more surprised than me to discover all the pleasure to be had. My feelings on the matter are essentially the same as those of Leslie and CJ. “When I dated a guy that used to lick and kiss back there, it felt amazing,” says Leslie. ”But I’ve never had anal sex and I’m deathly afraid of it – I mean, I shiver and shake when I’m having a colonic.” CJ nods in agreement. “I don’t let anyone near my butt” is all she uttered.
